Death By Pastrami

She wanted a table for five.

“Follow me,” I said, grabbing five menus. On the way to the table, she began yelling in my ear. Caught off guard, as I placed the menus on the table, I turned to her and asked, “Why are you talking to me like that?”

“I’m on the phone,” she snapped. What I said next I didn’t mean to say. As I said it, if I could have, I would have grabbed the words, out of the air, and crumpled them up, like trash.

“That’s so original,” I said.

As quickly as I could, I grabbed a pitcher of water and began going table to table, filling water glasses, humbling myself before the room, hoping the burning in my ears would subside.

It didn’t work.

As I approached the host stand, looking to see how many people were in the next party, I saw my Cousin Stacey, at the cash register, dealing with the aftermath, as the woman waved her hands, aggressively waved her hands, pointing at me, snarling for the kill.

I’m no longer surprised by mass shootings.

We’re hateful. I can feel hatred in my own heart, as I find myself hardening from these episodes, developing a distinct taste for revenge.

In under 4-minutes, 3-people had to swallow: whoever she was on the phone with, me and my Cousin Stacey. We had to swallow abuse like a dirty pussy squirting piss all over our faces.

I use this simile because it’s the same kind of noise. Besides the fact, this kind of moaning and groaning is satisfying only to the person moaning and groaning. It’s a one-sided wank.

So are mass shootings. So are wars. So are the lessons underscoring the temper tantrums on Reality TV.

Who are we?

Who have we become?

This type of behavior isn’t uncommon. We’re angry at the smallest infraction. We’re in a hurry for no greater purpose than generating the illusion of self-importance. We’re more interested in winning than stepping back to be nice.

Who are we?

Who have we become?

As I listened to Barbara Walters, on 20/20, interview the president and first lady, calling the rollout of the Affordable Care Act “a disaster,” I wanted to reach into the tv screen and knock the botox out of her fucking face.

Who are we?

Who have we become?

As I listened to the protegee of Barbara Walters, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, on Fox & Friends, feigning outrage about “the war on Christmas,” I wanted to reach into the tv screen and knock the cuteness out of her fucking face.

Who are we?

Who have we become?

Obese, mean-spirited, obnoxious, dead in the heart, walking around farting out of our mouths, filling rooms with noxious gas.

As I write this, it’s 8:04AM. There’s a woman at the deli counter going-off because she had to wait 4-minutes for an order she expected to pick-up at 8AM.

She was 100-pounds overweight. Easily 100-pounds overweight.

I walked away from her when she began yelling at me. I hid in the office, watching her on the monitor, attempting to humble myself before the room, hoping the burning in my ears would subside.

It didn’t work. The burning overtook me.

I watched her on the monitor in the office, for 2-minutes, waving her hands, aggressively waving her hands, going-off.

As she picked-up her order, and got ready to walk out the door, I ran to the front of the restaurant, so I could hold the door open for her. She was yelling. She couldn’t control herself. She couldn’t help herself. She was yelling, going on and on, moaning and groaning.

All I could think to say was this: “Oh no, 6-minutes. 6-minutes of your life. Oh no, 6-minutes.” She yelled at me, squirting in my fucking face, “THAT’S NOT THE POINT.”

Yes it is. That’s precisely the point.

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5 Responses to Death By Pastrami

  1. Claudia says:

    Great questions. “Who are we?” ” Who have we become”
    I’m right with you Greg. People are ridiculous and stupid. That women was an idiot, getting pissy for your comment about her being on the phone.
    People now a days think they deserve respect, but are not willing to be respectful themselves. She was rude by being on the phone.
    Everyone is in hurry no one gives a fuck about anyone but themselves.
    What happened to caring, kindness, and compassion? It went out the fucken window that is where it went.
    We have become a world of bitterness with people who resonate anger and have a high sense of entitlement that stinks throughout their pores.
    I’m sick of all these people who pretend to be the pillar of their community when all they are is selfish bastards!
    I hate that I care about things, situations, and people.
    Everyday I find myself wishing I was a selfish uncaring person that way I would not have to be so fucken sensitive when I get fucked in the ass by selfish, bitter, and angry people.
    People request patience but are not willing to give it back.
    There is no justice in this world.
    Like Richard Gere said, “if you want justice go to a whore house if you want to get fucked go to court.” Now a days you don’t need to go to court to get fucked, just go outside.

    • Gregor says:

      At least the judge dresses up in a robe before ramming it up your ass. Not sure, but I think this is all the fault of Steve Jobs. Turns out, he wasn’t the genius he thought he was. All we got from Steve Jobs was a whopping case of impatience.

      Put down your iPhones. Stop texting. Take a look around. Be nice to someone for no good reason. I’m done placating the phony tantrums of brats with grey pubes.

  2. Andy says:

    Hasselback is right there has been a war on Christmas with liberal groups putting pressure on stores to remove Merry Christmas from ads, calling a Christmas tree a ‘holiday tree’ and countless other outrages. It’s a predictable backlash and at least we have some media on our side able to FINALLY speak for us after years of DRNK like censorship.

    As for the hole in our souls-strictly pop culture. I too agree this country has become especially nasty in our day to day interactions. But again our side (the right) doesn’t own any tabloids or very few, doesn’t produce E Gossip shows, doesn’t own any movie studios, we aren’t the writers of the movies, we aren’t the producers of the movies, we’re aren’t the directors of the movies, we’re very rarely the actors. Constant chance and the promotion of lottery Jersey Shore-Kardashian fame has taken it’s toll. Again it’s not us we almost universally oppose this degenerate sewer.

    You guys own academia where young minds are molded. The college campI often discourage or suffocate opposing views. K-12 isn’t much better. Drew Pinsky hardly a righty admits the family unit has been devastated and friendships don’t mean a 1/10 of what they do in Europe as they do here-people are just chasing the God almighty buck. Who wants to be a millionaire, Survivor, Win Ben’s Money, marry a millionaire and on and on. And Yes Claudia although I must confess I love my Galaxy S4 we are non-stop texting picturing netflixing. Do you remember when we didn’t have cell phones. When we forget our phones we’re half human.

    And there will be hell to pay for this shit. The breakdown of America will not be without consequence. Anyway that’s my Christmas blog, Merry Christmas everybody.

  3. Babs says:


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