Time Magazine Cover: 2 Fat Thumbs Up, Way Up

Chris Christie is the elephant in the room.

Time Magazine couldn’t resist. They decided to put aside a sterling reputation for the sake of calling a fat kid “fat-ass.”

I think it’s the best thing Time Magazine has ever done, which lets me know someone at Time Magazine is about to get fired. When I like something, there’s trouble.

I’m a troublemaker, in the best sense of the word.

Chris Christie is a troublemaker, in the worst sense of the word. Chris Christie is a bully, a fat bully, which is the worst kind of bully, since cruelty is used to deflect from lack of self-worth.

It begs the question, and I know this question won’t be asked, since Journalists are in cahoots with Politicians. But it begs the question, when is a lifestyle choice unacceptable?

Let’s say being Gay is a lifestyle choice. I’ve heard this argument floated around. We all have. It’s unimaginative.

But for the sake of argument, let’s go along.

In the spectrum of being Gay, there are all sorts of dispositions. There are some who are born on-sight Gay. You know as soon as you see them.

It’s a surface, as sure as my brother was born with fair skin. And I’m brown.

I win!

Let’s say you’re lonely. Grandma Heather was this kind of person. She was in love with the victim corner, so being alone, being lonely, put her sadness on display, which was her favorite way of getting attention, a hobby.

Let’s say Karen came along. Let’s say Karen was on-sight Gay. Let’s say Karen took an interest in Grandma Heather. Even though Grandma Heather had been married to Grandpa Bernie, I’ll bet she would have been happier kissing Karen.

Some would call Grandma Heather Gay. I’d call her loved. Is it better to choose love over loneliness? I think so. But I’m a troublemaker.

In this case, it’s a lifestyle choice. But it creates no undue burden on society.

On the flip-side of the buffalo quarter, let’s talk about Fatness.

In the spectrum of being Fat, there are all sorts of dispositions. There are some who are born on-sight Fat. You know them as soon as you see them.

No you don’t. Everything I just said is a lie. In fact, there’s a difference between a chubby baby and fat kid. The difference is bullying. There’s no crueler kid than a fat kid.

A chubby baby is a helpless, drooling thing of beauty. A fat kid is a monster.

The parents let him down. The schools let him down. Everyone let him down. In fact, you’re not qualified to be a parent if you can’t bother making sure your kid doesn’t turn into a fat monster whose sole purpose on the playground becomes inflicting as much emotional damage as possible onto other kids.

Is it better to choose Kindness over Fatness? I think so.

Fat Fucks create an undue burden on society: obesity, early onset Diabetes, heart disease, wretched gas. I call them Fat Fucks. Burger King calls them the highly coveted demographic currently being duped into shoving Satisfries into their Fat Fucking Faces.

Low Fat Fries? Why Not a Non-Invasive Bullet?

The only thing we should be talking about, when it comes to Chris Christie, is his weight. He’s a walking sight-gag, which is why Time Magazine nailed it. Even more, he’s a walking cautionary tale.

Who paid his health care costs? We did.

Even though he chose to do that to himself. In a similar line of thinking, who bailed out the people of New Jersey after Hurricane Sandy? We did. Even though the people of New Jersey, who live along the coast, chose to live along the coast.

Those are lifestyle choices, for real lifestyle choices, with consequences. By comparison, being Gay is the biggest non-issue in the history of issues.

Normal.

Healthy.

Loving.

Sexy.

For the record, I’m proud to help the people of New Jersey. Raise my taxes. I’ll pay the bill. For the record, I’m proud to help Chris Christie with gastric-band surgery. Raise my taxes. I’ll pay the bill. For the record, I’m ashamed only 15-states out of 50 have raised the rainbow flag.

Anyone upset by a harmless magazine cover is the epitome of a bully. The defining characteristic of a bully, besides his oversized ass, is his inability to take a joke, even though dishing it out is his favorite hobby.

Chris Christie threw a tantrum when he had to uphold Marriage Equality. Turns out, the elephant in the room isn’t gastrointestinal. It’s behavioral.

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2 Responses to Time Magazine Cover: 2 Fat Thumbs Up, Way Up

  1. ghost of Jim Morrison says:

    What is wrong with a large mammal?

    • Gregor says:

      I spent my 20′s trying to be Jim Morrison. But when he put on leather pants, Jim Morrison became a Lizard King. When I put on leather pants, I became a Bow Legged Jew.

      There’s nothing wrong with being a large mammal. Actually, that’s a lie. There are considerable health risks and it’s a lifestyle choice. Unlike being Gay, which is eternally sexy.

      Nice to see you, ghost of Jim Morrison.

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