I Dig The Pope

Can’t believe I just said what I just said: I Dig The Pope. He washes feet, kisses disfigured faces and calls-out criminal bankers who’ve reduced capitalism to a sham.

L’Chaim, Pope!

Heard about Jesus the way you’re supposed to hear about Jesus, through word-of-mouth.

I don’t read books unless they’re signed by the author. If Vonnegut wrote it, I’m in. If Carson McCullers wrote it, I’m in. If Samantha Irby wrote it, I’m in.

Mark Twain, David Sedaris, Chuck Palahniuk. In, In, In. But if it’s written by the hand of God, there’s no way in Hell.

I’m out.

I don’t get into a book to be controlled. I get into a book to be provoked.

The number 2 greatest thing about the Declaration of Independence are these words scribbled on parchment “All Men Are Created Equal.” The number 1 greatest thing about the Declaration of Independence are the signatures at the bottom.

You can glorify the founding fathers. But you can’t worship the founding fathers. They got a lot right. They got a lot wrong.

Typical men.

But there’s no discounting the fact of the matter: the hand on the document was mortal, not divine.

For the love of God, I have a hard time processing why we’re putting non-violent drug offenders in jail. I have a hard time processing why they’re even called “offenders.”

There’s nothing offensive about it.

If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. End of story. If you take offense, you’re a jerk. Get over yourself. Or get some new friends. Judge not lest thee be high on magic mushrooms.

Let’s talk about things which are really offensive, like…

Criminal bankers who twisted losses into troubled assets, and stole tax dollars while freezing credit lines on small businesses. You know, bankers who haven’t been perp-walked.

Politicians who twisted the use of torture into enhanced interrogation techniques, and discredited our collective humanity. You know, politicians who haven’t been perp-walked.

Members of Congress who twisted themselves into welfare queens, earning $174,000.000 a year, regardless of job performance, for life.

You might be surprised, but I don’t want Members of Congress perp-walked. They’d enjoy the spectacle. Instead, I think it would be much more satisfying to watch them on C-SPAN, in perpetuity, in orange jumpsuits.

In fact, on Capitol Hill, the required attire should be orange jumpsuits. Why not? There’s precedent.

Afterall, the Supreme Court requires diva robes and tantrum hammers.

Police dress the part. Astronauts dress the part. Nurses dress the part. Roadside trash picker-uppers dress the part. The Pope dresses the part. It’s time Members of Congress dress the part.

Let’s see things for what they really are, like…

Obstruction isn’t debate. Fox isn’t news. Care isn’t affordable.

Diet Soda has nothing to do with losing weight. If you ask your waitress to make an extra trip for a lemon wedge, you’re not fat because you’re lazy, you’re fat because you flushed your humanity down the toilet with your last dump. And the hole in your soul is bottomless.

There’s no reason to call a judge “Your Honor.” Not when he’s only there to exploit loopholes and take care of his lawyer buddies by doling out inflated legal fees like Christmas Bonuses.

God forbid you ever represent yourself in court Pro Se. It’s a farce. Pro Se is latin for “Lube Your Asshole Before Court And Don’t Forget To Bring Your Checkbook.”

I’m not bitter. I’m clear. I’m seeing things clearly. And it’s not the residual effect of magic mushrooms. Or maybe it is.

Who are you to judge, Francis?

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14 Responses to I Dig The Pope

  1. Andy says:

    Never represent yourself in anything in court ever. Not even a traffic ticket. If you hire an attorney you get treated like a human being, you get go first and you’re almost certain to get supervision or have the ticket thrown out. I asked my lawyER (honest attorney) why people who have an attorney get special treatment. He explained to me-1) The court considers you hiring an attorney a financial burden and shows you favor 2) It supports their local bar association. All the judges, defense attorneys, prosecutors at one time were on different sides of the law and all know each other. When you represent yourself in something serious your pissing in their territory and are almost certain to lose and lose bad.

  2. Vince says:

    I am totally amazed by the straight forward, honesty and humbleness of this Pope. I am a fan. I never thought it was possible. Just earlier today, I pondered if THEY would kill him. I wish Obama had the Pope’s drive to do the right thing. Can we vote for the Pope to become the next US President?

  3. Babs says:

    You guys are giving kudos for somewhat “normal” behavior. When the church finally “Stands up for Kids” by imprisioning pedophiles instead of paying off the victimized and throwing the victimizer in jail instead of sending him off to “rehab”, then it is time for some hurrays! Until then, it’s all lip service!

    • Gregor says:

      You sound like Dan Savage deconstructing the Cheney Sisters. In this case, I’m willing to lower my expectations to enjoy the Pope. Yes, he’s a coward when it comes to women. Yes, he needs to admit the abusive behavior of priests when it comes to kids. Yes, he’s more interested in renovating Vatican City than feeding the poor. But if you never lower your expectations, you’ll spend your life being disappointed. There’s more to life than always being half way right, Babs.

  4. Babs says:

    LOVE Dan Savage!

  5. Vince says:

    The Pope has 3 million followers on Twitter. Kim Kardasian has 19 million.

    I wish I had a good thought to follow this up with.

  6. Babs says:

    Says it all, Vince.
    Happy Holidays to you and all your girls!

  7. Vince says:

    Say what you will about Goldman Sachs — and you could say a lot — but its CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, recently boiled down one of America’s most complex problems into a perfectly simple and quotable line. Repeat after Lloyd, folks:

    “This country does a great job of creating wealth, but not a great [job] of distributing it.”

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