Women Have It Good

Women have 3-moods: cranky & hungry, cranky & tired, hungover. Women spend their 20’s drunk and early 30’s pining for marriage.

Men essentially spend their entire adult life auditioning to be someone’s ex-husband. Which is why I never understood the whole thing.

There’s no such thing as inter-racial marriage. There’s no such thing as gay marriage. There’s only marriage. If you want to spend the rest of your life with same person, forgetting what fucking feels like, go ahead and get married.

As a single guy, headed into his mid-40’s, it’s time to change-up my game, add new dispositions to my disposition.

Shed the dissatisfying skin of Hope.


I’d like to be more vindictive. I’d like to be more openly hostile.

I’d like Bill O’Reilly to invite me on his show so he can call me liberal and I can choke him out, just to watch the color in his face change.

I used to say I’m not liberal…I’m rational. But it’s not true. Not anymore.

Being liberal is for suckers. Being rational is for pussies. It’s time to change-up my game, add new intent to my intentions. Shed the dissatisfying skin of Kindness.


I’m into Concealed-Carry. I’m into Stand Your Ground. I’m into Me-Me-Me.

Want a big Goddamn house with a big Goddamn gate, so I can invite people over and gloat. Want a 4-door Porsche with “I’m Better Than You” painted on the hood, so I can tool around town in what most people will never be able to afford, even with mortgage payments. Want breast implants in all my fuck toys. Want a cock so big it hurts, on sight.

Want to go hunting for humans outside of Safeway and shrink-wrap tears of the newly orphaned. Want to bundle a trillion dollars and set the bundle on fire outside of The Marcy Projects. Want to go horseback riding shirtless with Vladimir Putin and pinch his nipples while licking Stolichnaya off the crack of his ass.

Da, Baby!

Want what I want when I want it and I want to be able to call and complain about not getting it fast enough before 7:04AM on Monday.

Turns out, what I really want is a sex change. 3-moods are enough, more than enough. Women have it good.

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2 Responses to Women Have It Good

  1. Claudia says:

    3 moods…. I only get cranky when tired. I’m always hungry, I’m always horny.. I hate pain and cry like a baby when sick… Oh shit I sound like a man.
    Maybe, I should have a sex change as well?
    If you become a woman and I a man, I can still find you hot and sexy or I can become a lesbian. :)

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