Suicide Watch Party

Mike Tyson, former heavyweight champion of the world, talked openly about wanting to kill himself.

Martin Manley, former sports editor for the Kansas City Star, blogged his suicide.

Miley Cyrus, former Disney Starlet, committed career suicide on the VMA’s, twerking until twerking lost all of its silliness, crossing into the realm of cringe.

I get it, being here is hard. I get it, wanting out is easy. I get it, no one asked to be here, not really. We were brought here, every single one of us, screaming through the Vagina Gateway, to fulfill someone else’s fantasy of being Mommy & Daddy.

Or Mommy & Mommy.

Or Daddy & Daddy.

Or just Mommy.

Or just Daddy.

Grandma Heather killed herself. First, she did it by extricating herself from the family, and hiding, in Aventura Florida, for well over 20-years. Then, at Highland Park Hospital, she did it by morphine drip.

Helplessly, I watched Grandma Heather. I don’t blame her. That’s bullshit. I blame her completely.

But I understand the feeling of not being able to get out from underneath the onslaught of unnecessary and unrelenting abuse; mostly from the people you thought had your back.

Ain’t that a bitch? When trust becomes a commodity, the weak person is shorted.

Incidentally, it’s not always easy to see detect the weak person. Look at Mike Tyson.

Turns out, back when he was called Iron Mike Tyson, the part about iron was an emotional con.

Iron Mike Tyson was being used by sadistic promoters for as long as he could violently bash his fists against the skull of another man, without thought.

Unfortunately, Mike Tyson is thoughtful. When I say unfortunately, I mean for promoters, not the rest of us.

Mike Tyson is helping the rest of us in a way Cassius Clay cannot.

Mike Tyson is helping us understand the torment of living outside of the ring, once the bell stops, once the applause fades, once the promoters stop promoting, once the money is gone, once the darkness you’re trained to unleash on others is turned upon yourself.

Alcohol is slow death. Diet Coke is diabetes in a can. Marijuana is self-limiting. Pharmaceuticals are a cash cow for Big Pharma. Fame is a hoax. The spotlight is more fickle than the highly coveted 18-24-year old demographic.

Ain’t that a bitch? When a compliment is being used secretly as advice, your manhood is being yanked.

Here’s how my family gives a compliment.

“It took you a long time to figure out what to do with it, Gregor, but your hair finally looks great.”

My brother’s favorite game is to push my buttons and then, when I’m up against the emotional ropes, left with nothing but outrage, he gets-off on telling me, “Shush.”

My father’s favorite game is to push my buttons and then, when I’m wounded in the corner, my head exploding with a list of grievances stretching all the way back to childhood, he gets-off on telling me, “Can we talk about something else?”

My mother’s favorite game is to push my buttons and then, picking myself up, the floor bloody, my eloquence reduced to ranting, she gets-off on turning into Grandma Heather.

Silvia Plath and Grandma Heather were amateurs. My mother is the heavyweight champion of Pity Partiers.

She can punish with a look. She can punish with a comment. She can punish with no comment, which she does, all too frequently, right here, on this blog.

Ain’t that a bitch? When feedback is nothing more than a crushing right hook, suicide is the white towel.

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6 Responses to Suicide Watch Party

  1. TMV says:

    Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are separated, but neither has taken any step toward divorce … sources tell TMV.

    Multiple sources familiar with the situation tell us Khloe “effectively” declared separation when she threw Lamar out of the house Wednesday, after he refused her attempt at an intervention. TMV broke the story … Lamar has had a crack addiction problem for at least 2 years, and Khloe simply couldn’t take it anymore.

    TMV uncovered that Lamar has been shacked up with Miley Cyrus and the two of them smoke crack from dusk til dawn. They were last seen together at the VMAs under a cloud of smoke backstage, just before Hana the Montana abused fat black women on stage.

    Read more:

    • Gregor says:

      This is how one of my favorite writers, Samantha Irby, broke down the horror at the VMA’s: “Both Cyrus and Thicke are second-generation celebrities, born on third base, and taking advantage of that position to steal home.”

  2. Claudia says:

    Okay, What is twerking ? And why the hell is she is doing it on TV. Shit, I’m old. “Screaming through the Vagina Gateway” Yelling in advance for our so called life that has been predestined or not, that life we get thrown in with our so call families. Only to be mistreated or feel unloved.
    Abuse comes in many ways. The most subtle comes from those who are supposed to take care of us. Those who need to fulfilled the need to check their life list off. College Check, Marriage Check, House Check, Children Check, but anyone can have a child raising it is the hard part.

    Why is it hard? Because by the time you decide to have a child you swear that you will not make the same mistakes your parents did. But you do, maybe not at the same level, you might make it better in some ways but the residue of the shit you experience is still there. Lurking like a phantom.
    When my mother tells me the story of her one true love, she cries like it happened yesterday. Although, it happened 48 years ago I have heard the story countless times but I notice that with each year that goes by I can understand her choices more and more.
    As I listen to her story today, I pondered on how I have never really loved any man. (Believe me when I tell you, I was I started to think that it has a lot to do with the way I was raised. The things I saw, the idea of wanting to be better, the idea of not falling in love and becoming emotionally unavailable was very satisfying.
    Unlike Mike Tyson, I turned my anger into a positive by wanting to be better and letting go of it. Being emotionally unavailable to the people who supposed to love me worked well for me for a short time but I found that setting boundaries and taking control away from them has worked better with time then being emotionally unavailable.
    I’m beginning to see that this game of being emotionally unavailable has only brought me sadness and despair. The times I have try given my passionate, caring, loving, kind, generous, sexy self, to someone and I say this is it I’m going to go all in 100% it has not worked well.
    Suicide attempts, self hate, anger, resentment, punching people it’s all part of the residue left behind from a the life you were brought into, it is not necessary bad if it creates a better you. Hopefully!

    • Gregor says:

      Here’s my checklist…

      Write every day, check. Watch “Newsroom” with Mom & Dad, check. Kick my brother’s fanny all over the basketball court, check. Read the news and process the information until I can see reality from my own point-of-view, check. Leave a message rapping on my college roommate’s phone, check.

      Let go of romance, check. Let go of sex, check. Let go of the idea of friendship and bury it where it belongs, in my 20′s, check. Pour coffee, check. Pour water, check.

      Measure myself against celebrities, check. Ask myself what I did wrong to be so far behind my peers, check. Seek out at least one silly thing to laugh at on YouTube, check.

      Read comments, check. Comment on comments, check. Wonder why Mom stopped commenting, check. Contemplate hitting an open mic, check. Reach for the guitar and jam on the riff from “7 Nation Army,” check.

      Get in bed, check. Reach for the pillow, check. Cuddle with the pillow, check. Let go of the day, check. Let go of success, it shouldn’t go to my head, check. Let go of failure, it shouldn’t stop me from giving it another shot, check. Feel the breeze on my face off the lake as I drift off, check.

      Stop checking off an arbitrary list, check.

  3. Claudia says:

    Got it!

  4. joey says:

    self pity party, check.

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