We Are The Faux Champions, My Faux Friends

Why do I need to know about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy? So my parents can ask if I ever plan on getting married.

I’d never ask them if they plan on getting divorced. It’s rude. Not the divorce question, the marriage question.

You get divorced to get on with your life. You get married to avoid being alone, to hide from yourself, to get away from getting on with your life. Especially if you get married before 30.

Why do I need to know about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy? So the world can celebrate Kate squeezing a baby out of her Royal Vagina. Please take notice, this is happening on the very same week a football player from The NFL shot and killed his girlfriend, and then himself, leaving behind a 3-month old. Hurray for royalty!

Speaking of royal nonsense, I’ve started to notice I only feel loneliness when I’m asked about why I’m not married, or dating. Until the question hits, and I’m forced to think about it, I’m fine. But after the question, as if by design, I feel defensive; I feel sadness; I feel loneliness creeping-in.

What a waste of energy…

Instead, let’s champion gun control. Instead, let’s champion divorce. Instead, let’s champion kids who make it to 30 without getting married. Let’s push aside baby announcements and instead, champion accomplishments.

Anyone can have a kid. That’s not an accomplishment.

Speaking of unprotected sex leading to pregnancy, Kate Middleton marrying into royalty isn’t an accomplishment. It’s a pretty girl’s easy-out. Kate Middleton getting pregnant isn’t an accomplishment. It’s the job description of being a duchess. Kate Middleton is a high-end whore. Her unborn child is a meal ticket. As for royalty, it’s a hoax, like helmets on the football field (ask Jay Cutler). Anything you’re born into is a hoax, besides your sexuality, which is a gift from an Imaginary God. Real accomplishments don’t make headlines. Real heroes don’t end-up on CNN. Real kings don’t wear crowns. Real love doesn’t need to put a ring on it.

Unless it’s a penis ring.

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7 Responses to We Are The Faux Champions, My Faux Friends

  1. vince says:

    You start: “Why do I need to know about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy? So my parents can ask if I ever plan on getting married.”
    Shouldn’t there be a “?” at the end of married?

    Married deserves a question mark. No one is “for sure” when they say “I do” to the for betters or worsts. How bad can it really get? If she is in a terrible accident and disfigured, isn’t that worse then just a normal “for worse?” If he gets a pot belly, smelly and is drunk all the time, does the wife get to just say he broke the contract first?

    For better and better is a better agreement. If it goes good, awesome. If it remains great, even better. If it goes bad, stay married and suffer. You bought the whole cow, you fool.

    • Gregor says:

      I like the cow. And yes, I’m a fool.

      From what I’ve seen, the marriage vow should be re-written to this: for better…or else!

  2. Kip says:

    So.. Why are you not married?

    • Gregor says:

      There’s a few reasons, if you must know, Asshole.

      First of all, I’m happy. Second of all, my life has taken too many dramatic turns to be the kind of guy who’d make for a stable home life.

      Thirdly, I like fucking. Fourth, I didn’t want to get married until Marriage Equality was the law of the land (otherwise, you can’t invite your Gay Friends, unless you want to taunt them, which is the epitome of selfishness).

      Last reason, I’ve never been in love.

  3. mould says:

    Hi. It’s a good post.

  4. vince says:

    So the nurse that was fooled by a radio jock killed herself. Holy shit! I can’t seem to put my head around it. A nurse, helping people in a hospital maternit ward, was so distraught, so embarassed, that she killed herself? Is the to be Queen really that important? How do we rank importance of life? By color if you are white. By sex if you are male. By affluence when you are wealthy.

  5. puncak villa says:

    Is there any chance to get more detailed post?

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