Compare-Aholics Anynomous

My name is Greg Morelli. And I’m a Compare-Aholic.

A friend I met in college downplays his station in life by saying he’s not a Billionaire, instead he’s just a Thousandaire. Another friend I met in the world of advertising agencies is a successful creative director, but feels bad about struggling to make the leap from creative director to film director. Before his divorce, my brother regrets not having children. He says he’s kidding. But the fact is, he’s kidding in the square.

You might wonder why people are constantly measuring themselves against other people. This morning, for the first time ever, the answer was actually in the newspaper.

USA Today reported, “…nearly 40% of women today have never been married.” It begs the question: how is this news? It begs another question: is it healthy to make those of us who are unmarried feel crappy about being happily unmarried?

The data was released by The National Center For Health Statistics. Instead of calculating how many people are unmarried, if the statistics are really about health, they might want to calculate how many married people are happily married, or listen to each other, or push each other to reach for their dreams, or dance, or worry about eating the wrong things on a daily basis and turning into an unfuckable fat-fuck.

One silly reason I have a hard time with marriage, right now, is at my wedding I wouldn’t want to invite my gay friends. It would essentially be saying, “Hey, forget you’re gay. Be happy for me, even though you can’t do what I can do. Even though your love isn’t as good as my love. Come to my wedding. Come watch me declare my love. Come watch me celebrate my love. And eat cake.”

I don’t get it. And I’ll never get it. Most of my friends are married to women I’d never come-on to, even if they were still single. They’re not for me. I’m not for them. I don’t take it personally. They certainly don’t take it personally. On both sides, it’s a relief. I’m happy for them.

Even if I wasn’t happy for them, I would do what adults do: shut my mouth, check “Yes” on the RSVP, remember to mail the RSVP, book a flight, book a room, put on a suit, put too much gel in my JewFro, kiss the bride, give shit to the groom, pretend I actually liked The God Awful Band, and dance.

Why does anyone care who someone else is attracted to? Why does anyone care how much money someone else makes? Are we supposed to have kids to be parents? Or are we supposed to have kids so our parents can be grandparents? Why does having an Oscar for “Titanic” make someone better than the other 7.002 billion people who are currently telling their crummy stories on Planet Earth?

Most important of all, how stupid are these questions?!!

I’m writing this from Robert McKee’s “Story Seminar.” I came here to push myself to be a better writer. How much better can I get? Have I been writing for 27-years? Or has it been “an elaborate typing exercise?” That’s what McKee calls lazy writing. He’s not wrong. It’s certainly worth considering. But is it worth traveling to Los Angeles? Is it worth all the money? Especially when I’m not a Thousandaire, instead I’m just a Hundredaire. Most important of all, is it going to help me catch-up to Woody Allen?

Probably not. Definitely not.

Listen, I love Woody Allen, minus the whole thing about having sex with his adult adopted daughter. But when it gets right down to it…it was none of my damn business. Was it? You have to wonder why it was ever called news in the first place.

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28 Responses to Compare-Aholics Anynomous

  1. Vince says:

    I never compare myself to anyone, except by height. Or length or size. The truth is, Greg made the comparison. I listen to Jay-Z; I found the wigger in me long ago. I told Greg I was running to Jay-Z’s “A Dream.” He said, that what I said, was something that reminded him of Jay-Z; to be more specific, actually, Greg said, “You remind me of Jay-Z, a born fighter, artist, entrepreneur.” (it came to me by text, so I have the exact words). That made me think. That, that statement by Greg, made me think and forced me to make a comparison. What in the world would possess to Greg compare me to Jay-Z; except by height, or length? So I looked it up. Jay-Z is about 6 foot. So am I!

    That would have been where it ended for me. But Greg threw into his comparison, a born fighter, and artist and entrepreneur. Greg should have left it at, “you remind me of Jay-Z” and at 6 feet, I would have been done. But no. So now I really had to think. Greg forced my comparison. A fighter, I’ll take that one. An artist….c’mon now. I paint a little behind closed doors and Jay-Z composes in rarified air. He’s on top of the best. Not really a comparison. And entrepreneur; well, there you have my thousandaire joke. Jay-Z is beyond successful and I run a small law firm. So the comparisons show differences. I don’t care, nor do I waste time, about comparing; unless it’s about size. How big is Jay-Z? I couldn’t find it on Google.

    However, Greg seems to actually be the one making all of the comparisons. He made mine and is constantly making his own.

    And the Woody marrying is step daughter thing is hot. Face it, it’s hot. Maybe too hot to handle, but that’s exactly what makes it so hot, and wrong. But it’s still hot. She’s gotten a little old now, time for Woody to adopt a 15 year old.

    I know why Greg likes to make comparisons, he’s got the length and the size, even on Jay-Z.

  2. Vince says:

    So now I really had to think. Greg forced my comparison. A fighter, I’ll take that one. An artist….c’mon now. I paint a little behind closed doors and Jay-Z composes in rarified air. He’s on top of the best. Not really a comparison. And entrepreneur; well, there you have my thousandaire joke. Jay-Z is beyond successful and I run a small law firm. So the comparisons show differences. I don’t care, nor do I waste time, about comparing; unless it’s about size. How big is Jay-Z? I couldn’t find it on Google.

    However, Greg seems to actually be the one making all of the comparisons. He made mine and is constantly making his own.

    And the Woody marrying is step daughter thing is hot. Face it, it’s hot. Maybe too hot to handle, but that’s exactly what makes it so hot, and wrong. But it’s still hot. She’s gotten a little old now, time for Woody to adopt a 15 year old.

    I know why Greg likes to make comparisons, he’s got the length and the size, even on Jay-Z.

  3. Kip says:

    What do these newer drugs tell us about our culture and how we perceive our world? Apparently, now is not a time of exuberant exploration but a time to hunker down and play it safe. Instead of letting the world in, with all its uncertainties, we try to keep it out. And a barricade of serotonin makes that possible.

    The drugs we create, the drugs we take, the drugs we abuse—they offer an idealized antidote to the cravings of our times. LSD was born from our craving for freedom. They reflect our need for security. As I discovered from my own explorations of inner space, molecular makeovers never quite do the trick. But they can show us where we are and where we’ve been.

  4. Anonymous says:

    New drugs? What the hell are u talking about? This guy never reads the blog-he’s just looking for an audience he doesn’t know how to get! Interesting blog, Greg. In a perfect world we would all try to find our own happiness without denigrating others for theirs, or comparing ours with theirs. No perfect world in my lifetime. I hope it comes closer in yours.

  5. JOJO says:

    Yo vince enough with the fake kip shit :ooo:

  6. Kip says:

    Greg’s true character was shown when he became friends with me just to get close to my x-girlfriend Alicia. What a worm.

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  7. Gregor says:

    I was in love with Alica. But I was too shy to tell her.

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  8. Babs says:

    Love from afar but far from good! A young dream. Hard to truly love someone without truly knowing them. And it’s in the knowing that kills most relationships! So young dreams are probably the most satisfying!

  9. Vince says:

    Joey, why are you wasting time trying figure out and monitor posts? Contribute or read.

    By the way, I have no idea who posted Kip. I assume Kip. Or Greg. Or Steve. Or Kip. Or you. In any case, it was a odd post.

  10. Ovi Levy says:

    Married people and single people are all the same. Some unhappy and others, unhappy. Unfortunately, for this country, people have lost the divine knowledge of how to be happy. You cannot find happiness in a new car or a girl with all the right dimensions. Happiness is something that comes from within.

    To have it come from within, one must set goals and achieve them. A person must improve or accomplish a large task or realize an achievement. And then, God willing, take on a harder goal. Without this, there is no happiness. Money, no matter the amount of it, can do it for you.

  11. Trevor says:

    I’m rich. I’m happy. I’m married. I’m happy (even though it took 3-times). Glad you are pushing yourself as a writer, Greg. But this is where I come for news, not personal anecdotes. Speaking of news, what do you think will happen to The Affordable Care Act? Will The Supreme Court embarrass the country like it did in Bush v. Gore? I honestly feel like the judicial branch of our government has lost control of itself. I’m a lawyer and I see it all the time. What’s frightening is at The Supreme Court Level, these men & women have no sense of consequence. Talk about tyranny!

  12. Anonymous says:

    Sometimes there’s just whats right and then there’s whats just right. It’s right for for your elite left winged socialists to suffer. Ain’t not a one of you compared yourself to a G-d fearen Christian soldier. A true Christian convents not his neighbor. A true Christian tries to follow as best he can the example set by Chrust all mighty. And you and your brother being gay makes all the sense I the world. A homosexual, an abomination of life as the Lord says, can not never be happy. Unless he repent.

  13. Gregor says:

    I can’t repent. Not anymore. I’m not sorry. The word has lost all meaning. Don’t know what it means to be Gay. But I do know what it means to be lonely. I tell you this because it’s true, not for sympathy. If you’re Gay and you have someone, you’re lucky. If you’re Straight and you have someone, you’re lucky. Being lonely sucks. But it passes. Eventually you get good at being alone. By the way, God’s abomination is Astro Turf. He’s pretty much happy about everything else. Especially people having sex, lots and lots of sex.

  14. Jim White says:

    Some are born to love
    some are born to cry

    some will believe what others will deny
    bye and bye what you see is what your history has shown

    you were born to go it alone

    some are just born to go alone…
    some are just born to go it alone…..

  15. jojo says:

    and a chef knows how to cook a bone
    so I pull the shaft until I moan

    some won’t beleive the mess I make
    come here honey for a bukkaki cake

    so sorry I shot in your eye
    please you whore give me another try.

  16. Gregor says:

    i tried another try, i tried
    but your sticky love ended-up in my eye

    i cried but those weren’t tears i cried
    they were the tears of happiness denied

    oh how i love to hear you moan
    but i get the feeling you’re better-off alone

    some are just born to go it alone…
    some are just born to go it alone…

  17. Jean-Marie says:

    I sure hope you don’t get too good at “going it alone.” I think you’d make a loving boyfriend, Greg. I know sometimes it feels like it takes forever. Watching all of your friends get married and have kids can’t be easy. The comments are fun. But in the actual blog, you spoke eloquently about not getting caught-up in comparing yourself to other people. Please, don’t compare “going it alone” to friends with who already have houses filled with families. Yours will come when it’s your time. You don’t go looking for love…love finds you. You write like a man who’s been blessed with exceptional women in his life. Maybe you’re just at a point in your life where you have to dig a little deeper, and give it all to yourself. That’s a special time, enjoy it! But don’t turn-off your heart. I like the lyrics to Jim White’s song. But they are lyrics. Art is a wonderful expression of life. But life is for loving. I stand by my position: you’d make a lucky woman incredibly happy, Greg.

    • Christian says:

      I do not live in a tiny house- I live in an 1800 sf house- which I always cpoilamn is to small to be organized with a busy family of 3 grown children and little grandchildren.I love the out of the box thinking about how you organize and build your house to suit your needs. If you can do it in 89 sf- surely I should be able to do it How do I start.? And where do the ideas come from

  18. Gregor says:

    :love:

  19. Vince says:

    Put an ad on Craig’s List. In it, advertise that you are going to organize the first group meeting. 20 people are wanted. Request people to send in their video submission. You need 8 hot people, 4 comedians, three cooks, one genius, one nurse and political junkie. The whole group gets married and you have a little bit of a lot to fill your life. Different folks to bed down every night and most needs met.

    Good luck finding an apartment.

  20. JIm White says:

    Your back in Native Georgia, and 38 years old

    Now your following that truck to his church up the road

    You’ll go inside, and say a prayer, it’s a lie, but you don’t care

    You’ll cut your hair, You’ll date the square

    You will do anything it takes in this world, not to go it alone.

    It’s just to hard to go it alone..
    It’s just to hard to go it alone…

  21. Gregor - Reprise says:

    All your friends are married with kids, unless, that is, they’re gay
    If it weren’t for homophobia, you’d be the only one this way

    You’ll march the march, raise the flag, salute, but it’s a crock
    You’ll stroke the glock, a 9×19mm parabellum cock

    You will do anything in this world, not to eat ass

    It’s just too stinky eating ass
    it’s just too stinky eating ass

  22. bf says:

    one man’s nightmare is another man’s dream

  23. Vince says:

    I had a dream I said
    About Me Greg said
    About you I said
    That’s great he said
    It came to me like a whisper I said
    What’s up V was the greating he said
    All I wanted to know was the reason he was in LA
    More stories more money it’s gonna be my day
    I see I said, got the whole industry interested in Greg I said
    Greg said he got the keys to the door
    Just keep doing your thing I said, say no more.

  24. Mel jacob says:

    You can never underestimate the importance of quick typing.

  25. Roger Waters says:

    When I walk, I stop and talk
    and listen to the people
    Through their words
    I feel perturbed
    Just waiting for the sequel

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